Made In Chelsea VS. The Only Way Is Essex: Part Three sunday 12th June 2011 12:59am G.M.T:

The Only Way Is Essex
con/..from Part Two
The Only way is Essex cast do
deliver some stinging remarks, wry jokes and truly funny conversation sometimes.
Including The girls gossiping, any of them, particularly Lydia, Amy, Sam.

Chloe & Joey Essex
I hear these two characters will be missing from the new series. Shame because, individually they are very likeable but together they are truly hilarious. Both Joey Essex and Harry in The Only Way are dopes but Joey Essex is Mr. wooden top, tumble weed can just barely be heard , blown across the width of the expanse between his ears.

The curse of the very handsome ones and random others:
The curse of the very handsome it seems and those who appear otherwise normal and claim to have a degree in I.T. It’s only when you are left with them for any length of time, one on one, that you discover that they have no conversation. They are indeed, i, robot.

Joey Essex is a bit Thunderbirds are go. Thankfully Chloe his cousin, she of the curly lips and even curlier eyelashes who is a modern day Audrey Hepburn, dishes out wise and wordly advice. Chloe being the sage & oracle of The Only Way. She sits so ladylike in her tiny flat immaculately turned out and teaches Joey how to make spaghetti bolognaise. He has not a clue. It’s not clear how he has fed himself all these years.

One of my favourite scenes with Joey Essex and Chloe was when he is blowdrying his hair for a night out, pouting furiously away in the mirror, and Chloe asks him if he “blowdries his hair every day? ” Joey denies he is blowdrying his hair on the grounds that this “is a hairdrier and “they don’t use these in salons, they use blowdriers”. Then he appears to forget what he has just said, ponders for a while and looks blank, this happens a lot to Joey.

nb. in another funny scene these two go shopping together and Joey Essex admits to buying shoes too small for him “so they make me look taller”! Resisting Chloe’s sensible advice he hobbles away with her up the road, his feet squished painfully in his new sneakers, having gained a minimal few millimetres i would guess. Akin to having his feet bound.

However Joey Essex is hilarious and very sweet to boot. Like an overgrown 12 year old who loves to pout. Joey Essex is a bit wooden faced hence my name wooden top.

Made In Chelsea
Long hair in Made In Chelsea, or i should say Ollie, is Joey Essex’s counterpart Both are extremely beautiful. Ollie too is a bit stony faced, prone to pouting and is pathetically addicted to his eyelash curlers. He does his eyelashes first thing in the morning, call yourself a man or a mouse? or should i say a girl.

Longhaired man or Ollie in Made in Chelsea is a bit of a girl. Surely he’s a bit gay? or at least a wee bit ‘drag’? Seems decidedly not touch feely or in any way emotional even to his long suffering ‘seriously in love’ girlfriend, Gabby.

Gabby in Made In Chelsea’s lips
Gabby, like Chloe in The Only Way Is Essex has something extremely very odd going on with her lips. Could the latest thing in lips involve a bit of a ‘curl’?

nb. Longhaired eyelash curling Ollie in Made in Chelsea appears to live in a little woodcutter’s cottage in Chelsea with a wooden hot tub nearby. Didn’t know they had them there. Maybe it is actually just the hut attached to the hot tub on his estate? could be..we discover more details later

to be continued

Wallander tonight:BBC4 saturday 8:30pm G.M.T 2011

What’s not to like about Wallander? Wallander has really cool sunglasses now. He’s happy, tanned, lives by the sea. He chills out to the beating sound of the waves at night, forking out rice from an aluminium take-away box, leaning at the doorway listening. He has love interest now in the form of the beautiful tall and true of heart lady Public prosecutor. She has bought the house next door to him on the sandy dune at the sea’s edge. What a coincidence!

What i like about Wallander, well apart from lapping up every detail of Sweden, the houses, their insides and the countryside is that they do things differently there. When Wallander chases a black masked figure terrorist type through a public place he announces to the crowd:”Police!” and holds his rarely carried gun up high in the air above him, at the top of his reach, like it was an infected and alien thing.

Luther BBC1 next Tuesday on TV: thoughts:11th June 2011

Exciting news guys and girls:Oh he of the six foot something frame, quiet brown eyes and an ever variable wardrobe of tweed jackets is back! Yes Idris Elba, a South Londoner (we’ll forgive him that) once a dustbin man and amateur DJ from the age of 14 i give you Stringer Bell, re-appearing this week on Luther.

Yes BBC 1 Tuesday @9pm “a four part thriller starring Idris Elba. The detective returns to work following his ex-wife’s murder and is immediately plunged into the case of a killer who slaughters his victims wearing a punch mask.”

Yes, who can forget the horrific killing of Luther’s wife, by his deranged best friend. Luther hurrying to get there in time, taunted by said deranged one on his mobile. Phuttting along in his ultra-uncool (so it’s cool) battered old Volvo car, Luther, like in a lot of his cases, doesn’t quite get there in time..

Dear Oh dear it was very messy, Luther’s wife being very beautiful and long of neck and very much surprised at this turn of events. Indeed a mate of mine watching at the time named her ‘swan neck’ which i thought was rather a gorgeous name.

Ladies, remember, having watched many of these murder mysteries now, including a fair few True Life Stories, it is never a good thing to let in the house your husband/boyfriend’s work colleague or friend when you are alone. It’s never good. However jolly and or eerily calm he may be..

Luther is wonderful TV, set in London for a change, seemingly in the City somewhere. The Police station is suitably and believably old Victorian grime. Cases are horrifically Gothic. Best character so far apart form the apparently innocuous blond friend turning bad has been the evil psychopath Ruth.

Oh she of the flaming red hair and ice cold beauty. Great wardrobe and flat (of course) and an extra cool job as a clever as clogs Physics scientist come Astronomer. With fantastic new age state of the art labs at the University where she works. Cold hearted killer of her parents, Luther’s very first case, he was on to her immediately. Ruth had fed the gun she used to the dog somehow i forget the fine details. Point being there was no ‘evidence’.

Luther ‘clocked’ Ruth as the murderer within the first ten minutes of her interview on the basis that she had no ‘affect’ eg.emotion abut the gory death of her parents and dear Doggie. She killed the dog too. All we could garner from this case was that her parent were just really annoying her. Unaccountably, Ruth and Luther, once she has stopped trying to variously kill him, stalk him and appear everywhere he is, become improbable mates.

They take to meeting over cases on the London Bridge, mostly in the middle of the night, sometimes after a long hard day in bright gilded sunshine glinting on the gold carvings of the bridge. You see, apart from being madly and irrevocably in love with Luther, Ruth is exceedingly clever. She can get into the mind of the killer..

So, “the killer wears a Punch mask” does he (as in Punch & Judy). Suitably Gothic. Rather Sherlock Holmes. Lovely..Could Luther be ‘channelling’ Sherlock with his tweed jackets of beautiful hues?
nb. Luther does spend a lot of time squinting however. I do wonder if he needs glasses?

Cat stories-tales of Miss Moneypenny Sat 11 th June 2011

My beloved Miss Moneypenny is out the back in the tiny garden. A glazed look in her neon yellow green eyes. She is nibbling contentedly on the end of a giant blade of grass. Her rotund form around her like a big black ball. She looks at me in the manner of ‘i don’t know you now and please don’t start talking or you’ll ruin all my cool’..

She is not quite so delicate as she seems since i have seen her chew off with equal ease the end of a wooden branch-not to mention the poor decapitated mouse that she played home football with, lobbing it casually from paw to paw ).

But, what is this? i espy the tall silhouette of Bernie above, on the concrete topped extension above her. (She hasn’t seen him yet) Sleek black Bernie of the golden name tag who lives on our road and comes a calling for dear little (ok not quite so little) Miss Mp. Large of shoulders and bony tipped, he slinks coolly and casually along the pavements of the street, King of the Road quite clearly.

Introducing himself to me with enviable old world charm and impressing me with said golden tag. (ok, it’s brass). He had come to call on my beloved.

Enquiring delicately under the front door and positioning himself there faithfully, night after night and daytime too, he prevailed upon Miss Mp to recognises his charms and consider his courtship and even possible betrothal i construe. Each night and day,through the gap of the crooked bottom of the door, Miss Mp peeks, sniffs and quivers, growling alternately and frozen in fear.

Miss Mp is not impressed with his cavalier suit. Like an excited Jane Austen Aunt i had proffered his cause, citing his gentlemanly manners and courtly behaviour of which i approved. Alas and alack it was to no avail..

Now poor Bernie, his loverly hopes dashed forever like the cruel sea beating down on pebble stones has all but given up. Reduced to gazing down in pining lovelorn loss at his beloved from vantage points above.

He turns sadly on his heels (well four of them) and slinks away like a lonely cowboy in the night. Disappearing over the horizon forever doomed to be a high plains drifter. (If he could have found a poncho his size he would have one.) Lean shoulders sagged with sorrow…