The Only Way is Essex:Coming soon! A review of a Show Where Nobody Gets Murdered

Coming Soon, For Some Light Relief: i announce this section as being hereby named as:
Shows Where Nobody Gets Murdered! or SWNGM for short. Including:

The Only Way Is Essex
Mainly because i love it and nobody has written a review on it that i can see..

Possibly Gossip Girl although i am a little weary of it now, being as it went from so bad it’s good into really good & then dipped towards i think i’m so good i’m bad…

Hmmm, any other Drama shows where nobody gets murdered?let me think,hmmm

Spiral 3 Episodes 9&10 2nd May 6:48pm

  • 2 May 2011 6:48PM

    random musings:

    Gilou & Laure:
    Was it not all very Romeo & Juliet with Gilou & Laure in these episodes?
    They just stopped short of a double suicide..

    After an unconscionably long time spent by Gilou:
    looking ‘innocent’ & making “who, me?” faces at Belmont
    claiming “gastric flu” as an alibi for the day of the squat shooting(how original!)
    munching manfully on his dinner seemingly for ages in a bar..
    Gilou finally grows some cojones and decides to come clean to Belmont.

    However Laure has beat him to it, heroically & bravely annoucning to Belmont that she fired the shot in the squat. If not quite poison possible career suicide..
    Gilou is such a poussin! Not sure he would do a real Romeo..

    Feeling a bit mean saying Nounours is fairly useless as a character. It looked (to me) like he’d been lost all night in the streets of Paris after their chase, only turning up in the morning to the bar. However i have to admit that a stake out is quite hard to achieve on a motorbike and he may well have gone home for a kip and then come in to “take over” as Laure instructed him..

    In my mitigation i plead the fact that comedy has been attached to poor Nounours for me ever since the Calamity Jane type chase after Josephine when Nounours first appeared in his oh so tiny car with his giant Sightscope!(ok, camera but i goes nicely with The Crimescope)

    Laure & Josephine:
    I didn’t think that it was a real Hallmark moment between Laure & Josephine. Laure was certainly genuinely concerned about Pierre however her comment:
    “Your clients can always rely on you” to Josephine was definitely barbed.
    Likewise as Josephine finishes her side of this syrupy exchange she turns away, smirking nastily, yet somewhat triumphantly..

    Arnaud and the Mystery Girl:
    Was it just me or did anybody else think Arnaud coming back to his flat and finding a mysterious rain coat signified the return of the Mysterious Girl? I know, thinking about it it’s entirely daft as she didn’t know where he lived, but part of me still hoped briefly. The old “i came in nothing but a rain coat and i’m waiting for you in the bedroom trick”!

    Just a thought, but if you lived with one parent, and found a mysterious raincoat on the chair. (Well was it that mysterious to Arnaud, working with Roban as he did, surely he would know Roban’s Mac by sight?)

    Would you think:
    a) “Oh, some hanky panky going on here”, & tactfully tiptoe away-or
    b) Decide to open your parent’s bedroom door and have a good look?!

    More fuel to the fire of my theory of Aranud being in love with his Mum a leetle too much..

    Marianne& Roban:
    When Roban showed Marianne the incriminatory photos with his brother in them and explained his conundrum over the case:eg
    how to get the bad guys whilst leaving out his brother?

    I was secretly wishing and hoping that Marianne would come up with a brilliant Masterplan, a brainwave over which they would both chuckle conspiratorially, setting off to do daring deeds like an elderly Avengers! But no, Marianne just suggests Roban
    “should report Arnaud to his tutor and get him fired”-boring..

    More Dark/Hilarious dialogue:
    Niko &Stubble-man Tani (who hasn’t shaved for a very, very long time)

    Niko on the phone to Vlad (Vlad who unaccountably we can hear?)
    Vlad:”Did you get The Mexican?”
    Niko:”I think…”
    Vlad: (interrupting) “Since when did you ever think?”!

    Tani to Niko
    (Whilst waiting in the car, their stake-out to catch & kill Ronaldo)
    Tani:”Have we got him?”
    Niko:(looking chipper &cheerful)
    “Tell Belform to get the plastic sheeting ready”!
    But then Ronaldo toddles off distractedly after some very young& beautiful prey..
    The guys shrug this off as an annoying inconvenience..

    NB. dumbest move of the night:
    Ronaldo phoning Niko and asking for his help with his “papers” Oh and replying, when asked by Niko, that he is in Paris!

    Unclassifiable moment of dialogue:
    Roban to Laure when she gives him her information on the case:
    Roban:”I won’t kiss you but the sentiment’s there”!
    Roban gets away with this via his charming & ageless schoolboy grin..

Spiral 3 Episodes 9 & 10 1st May 2011 8:30pm

  • 1 May 2011 8:30PM

  • I too was wondering about the innocence of Patricia:
    She was in at the beginning, & she is everywhere’,especially at important moments..
    @ All:
    Was she really “selling underwear” or was it about coke? What was she arguing with Mila about and is it really likely Patricia would know so much about the operation and all the names of the men?

    Would seriously out for her own survival, Head Girl Mila, have so easily given up this information and Niko’s mobile number?
    note Patricia even knows the address of the secretive fenced compound/’hotel’..

    Also, why was Niko beating up the girl in the street-was it Mila? Because she didn’t make enough money? He seemed to be looking for something specific. Could this be related to Patricia’s argument with Mila at the hotel later?

    Just a thought-coke as a theme?:
    Niko does coke
    Gilou used to.
    Patricia does.
    What about the drug dealer who supplies Niko-is he separate from all this? The much mentioned tonight, Mr. Bo?,
    Is he supplying everybody or is it Pitbull, who we saw Patricia going to. Is there a link between any or all of them?

    Random thoughts:
    Note Arnaud kissing, a bit too lovingly i thought, his Mother’s hand..

    Ronaldo isn’t buying scalpels:
    I thought he was for a moment, not that it’s that easy, except for modelling. Does he really do all that with just a handy knife?
    He still looks kind of cute and little boy lost and his Mum IS dead. Ahh

    Why are the secondary female characters so damn soppy, doe eyed and slightly stary like they’re all on Valium?
    eg. Emilie, although she does give Roban a pep talk.
    Madame Courcelles: strangely disconnected in demeanour.

    Roban the meanie:
    Poor Mrs. Courcelles, visibly upset, telling Roban that her husband the Mayor is divorcing her over the letter “after fifteen years of marriage” gets not even a faux look or word of sympathy..

    Beautiful Spiral:
    The cris crossed bridges shot with the men (Martin & Co&Arnaud) showing on the bridge as silhouettes.
    Another Cross reference to add to the other religious iconography?

Spiral 3 Episodes 9 & 10 1st May 2011

  • 1 May 2011 2:53PM

    so much wonderful dialogue and goings on to fit in here @ once so some jottings;.

    i also thought “ahh, Gilo is left behind, sad in the office..
    that Ronaldo trying to find his Mum’s grave is a bit sympathy making..ahh however it’s looking like he really IS the murderer

    amused that my jokes earlier about Ronaldo being sad because he was”footballless” have now been incorporated into his ‘code’ name.!

    most hilarious dialogue: the grey stygian kafkaesque office of the seriously unsmiling Juvenile squad man:where Pierre just keeps saying All the Wrong things!eg;

    “I needed to gain his trust”!
    “so he had a few beers, maybe four”!
    “things just happened naturally”!

    Wonderfully, (but not for Pierre) as often happens in officialdom, these are the comments unsmiling man dutifully types into his report..
    They lock Pierre Up! Preceding all this secret police stuff they announce:
    “We’re going to do a body search, we’ll get to the bottom of this”!

    nb. there was a few moments when i wondered whether Pierre really Had done it..surely Spiral playing with my doubts?

    The Chief Juvenile squad man also asks Pierre some pretty personal questions about his private, err, habits surely not usually to be found on forms? Law&Order’s Special Victims Unit was never like this!

    We find out from Patricia where the girls come from and how they are ‘trained’..
    Shock horror, Belmont grabs Patricia, apparently for the squat shooting? However he is just forcing Laure’s hand.

    Belmont, when asked by Laure how did he know about Patricia and appear so quickly?, admits that he has “a spy watching her squad”
    Laure in her rely to him uses the pronoun “She”?
    So who is this spy? and was i right with “she” & how does Laure know it’s a”she”?

    Machard has seemingly summarily taken over Pierre’s Case and is visibly gloating. Was it all a set-up from the beginning with Dylan? The new judge looks like a gay Goebbels..

    Noted this before over his earlier performance at the canal that Gilou is brilliant at undercover work. Ace how he stayed on the tube in case the girl they were following was faking getting off-she was.

    As someone said-their radios worked on the tube/underground!
    Nb. did she ‘clock’ Tintin following her and think he was a perve?

    Previously whilst waiting for the girl to ‘finish’ in the blue Scenic:
    Gilou”If it’s a BJ it will be 10 minutes”!
    Tin Tin”You would know, with you it would be 20″!
    Gilou”Only 6 minutes, that was quick”!

    Loved Laure properly getting her groove on with the case. Gilou&Laure together being excellent @ surveillance with her marshalling her troops and organising them all.

    Specially the following in the cars, how she instructed them to intermittently overtake each other, then split up and stay in single file etc.

    Sorry Nournous but your character is fairly useless! surely he would be more noticeable if around a lot in his black tinted helmet?

    Note, Laure&Co wait all night outside the bar and Nounours only just gets there in the morning?! Then Niko & Co, the toothpick chewing gang, come out..
    Then, Oh no, Laure tells Nounours to “take over”!..
    NB. why did Laure unaccountably put her siren on earlier when supposedly following the girl Undercover?!

    More of Laure getting her groove on with the case:
    Successfully ‘glamming’ Belmont in true vampire style to somehow get him to:
    drop the case for lack of evidence
    Not prosecute Gilou
    Is this all because he fancies/really loves her like she seems to him?
    (well at the very least she fancies him)

Spiral 3 Episodes 7 & 8 30th April 2011

  • Ah good, glad you’re out, considering that was the bunkers to end all bunkers..
    re: Roban’s snogfest:
    guessing you’re a romantic sort? moi aussi, however surely it’s only in Mills & Boon that a kiss sends electric shivers up and down your spine and the world explodes whilst bolts of lightening strike your heart in two, sent from the blue?..unless:

    a) the world really IS exploding or

    b) you have both unluckily been struck by lightening and even unluckier aren’t wearing rubber soled shoes…

    Yes, Monsieur Le Juge, i started off liking him (though not in an unjudicial way!) He fell pretty promptly from his pedestal with his sexist treatment of Madame for me. Not to mention it being pretty low down & dirty and not very cool or smooth of him at all. Picking on the Mayor’s wife to get to the Mayor..mind you she was surprisingly subservient was she not? I expected her to:

    a) deliver a satisfyingly resounding slap or:

    b) Play the wild card by haughtily disrobing herself whilst fixing him with a steely glare (hopefully with her best La Senza on). Throwing the lot on his desk majestically & walking out so attired into the corridor with chin and head held high. Half way out of the door she casts a scornful glance over her shoulder whilst delivering this line:

    “I’ll send you the shoes”!(That’s what Sophia Loren would have done)

    “Shakespeare’s bottled spider”? love the phrase but unfamiliar with it? great description of Le Juge indeed!

  • Oh good, i’m glad. It still makes me laugh, however, only you and i apparently!..
    i spent some time pondering whether dear David would have said “Creature” or “Primate”. I really wanted to put
    “she accepts that the other creature won’t kill her”! “
    sadly i concluded that His Attenboroughness would have been correct and stuck only to “primate”…

    Whether you are a bad person, mais non, you just prefer bunkers.
    Who is to say that the giant spectacle of gilded gold, cantering horses looking like they’d been given a quick line to sniff before off with one falling down with the horrors, not to mention the proud panoply of The Most Ridiculous Headgear Ever Seen was not horrific?!

Spiral 3 Episodes 7 & 8 29th April 2011

  • hilarieuse!
    Clarissima Catwoman isn’t…je on y va au ma travaille…

    @ All
    Agree with your point above, i cannot believe Spiral takes itself seriously!

    i never have, looking on it as a kind of French farce. Regarding the characters and their motivations and whether it is a real who dunnit or not and as he said, the whole good guys/bad guys thing and who wins, i’m not really seeing it like that or any way in particular. It always seemed to me to require a gargantuan pinch of salt.

    I keep an open mind and personally am really enjoying it in every way (apart from the de rigeur gore). I like that i am emotionally detached form the characters, it doesn’t matter whether i like them or not!.

    I needed a break from the infamous Killing as it was so heavy and emotional and you were sucked into the character’s lives and identifying with them. With all the full horror that entailed. I like that this, to me, is(mostly) fun.

    Surely it is in the long line of traditional French farce? ok with added grit and gore, in fact a whole skip load of grit, the roads of Paris will never ice up..and are metaphorically slippery with blood.

    nb. when i refuse to believe Ronaldo did it i am not entirely serious, but i like to play around with the possibilities just for fun as that is what it seems to offer.

    The other thing is that it is in actuality one of those rare shows peopled pretty much by men. Which i like as it is unusual. Yes, we have Laure and Josephine however they are part of the male system.

    We have Josephine who has decided to act like a man with Laure pretty unsuccessfully failing in this man’s world by acting like a bit of a soppy woman (sorry mes soeurs).

Spiral 3 Episodes 7 & 8 29th April 2011

  • yes, Denim aftershave or peut etre, Old Spice….

    this may make you laugh:
    Roban’s Snogging Session as Intoned in a Hushed Sing Song Voice
    by David Attenborough:

    Now, the mating ritual of the kiss: the male primate has moved in closer and closer, to the female.. Carefully and almost imperceptibly, so as not to frighten her away, back to her habitat where there could be highly prized chocolate… He must move fast, hesitate, and it might be too late.. The female, sensing his ambivalent movement, prepares herself, if willing, for the lip sucking ritual to begin.. Her pupils dilate, she tilts or lowers her head back, exposing her fleshy neck, a sign of trust.. She moves her mouth upward in readiness and half closes her eyes. She has confirmed by this she accepts that the other primate will not kill her.. The male primate pounces, lips squelch, the mating ritual has begun..

  • clarissima

    29 April 2011 2:25AM

    True dat, stressing them like metal, to see where they will bend or crack
    or perhaps go Spiral?
    i love Arthouse films, but oui, they can be dull. Guess having something beautiful to look at makes up for it somewhat. My eyes lap up Spiral like Lawrence getting his beer at the end of the desert.

    Apart from the gloopy orange perma lamp lit USA shows there really isn’t much art in anything. Tango land whilst unusual at first and quite breathtaking, became: wish they would just turn the lights on, just once.

    The thing i probably dislike most about USA shows which i can forgive most things yet not the dread infection, incipient and spreading, of the language known as psycho babble.

    Apart from the recognisable practical phrases necessary to get their job done the rest of the time in US shows they might as well be talking in Esperanto..i mean what the hell are they saying?!

Spiral 3 Guardian Blog episodes 7 & 8 28th April 2011

  • as he says, this is the Guardian and it’s fair surely to compare and contrast different things in a discussion. You find this request on an essay question in English literature.
    Your scene with Ronaldo, his innocent smoothie (which i saw as blood) with “the horse laughing outside, in French”!
    formidable and vraimant dark, the idea & image of horse laughing in French still amuses me when it isn’t being seriously sinisterly scary..
    You say Gilou “la tuent” Laure, moi, ‘m not full convinced. Not in That way i feel.

    @all if Gilou Really loved our la Laure he wouldn’t let her take the fall for the shooting. He knows Belmont is on to her, indeed saw him break up with her most likely over it. Laure said:
    ” he”ll know i broke the seal”!
    I’m having second thoughts about Gilou-he is not being a Gentleman..
    Why should Laure bite the bullet?.

    Nb. not sure there really is a plural of “safes” as i wrote earlier..

  • clarissima

    28 April 2011 1:15AM

    oops wrong French there “tuent” i think means to kill!..

    no worries, i probably really wouldn’t have wanted to know, yet..
    I’m not really down on Arnaud, never was, not sure why everyone thinks he’s slimy He seemed quite innocent and true of heart in his encounter.

    Roban is Werthers Ad gone to the dark side..(this is only Wertherist) mind you Mrs. Courcelles was strangely Stepford Wives about it all..

    Roban’s gulp, snogging scene:
    thank you ,whoever reminded me of this, i had blanked it out of my memory in sheer trauma or reflexive defence.

    Not due to it being Roban, for me snogging on film whatever the age, youth or handsomeness involved looks supremely unsexy so can never understand why they show it. They must think it is sexy.
    Guess it has some brief emotional resonance if you’ve been hoping for them to get together.

    However Roban’s session went on far too excruciatingly long..
    Their quadruple lips were seemingly struggling for supremacy like giant slugs vapor locked with each other whilst attempting some variant form of vacuum packing. On LSD..

  • clarissima

    28 April 2011 12:41PM

    must stop looking, my avatar still hasn’t changed, it has to be moderated you know…it’s So exciting
    Dear Moderators, elle est tres belle, ne c’est pas?

  • hey, thank you for that, i remember now him saying about the phone tapping. Does the standard of Policing shown so far indicate any likely highly organised phone tapping Investigations tho? Hardly..

    i reckon the Station Policeman didn’t ask him for I.D, not that we saw. Maybe Le Shark was so good he carried it off(well the Station guy would presume his knowledge about the girl to mean that he Was the Police). Or as you say, is a real Policeman, too truly terrible, Non?

    Isn’t there like a Trafficking or Vice Department that Laure & Co would have liaised with by now? Wonder when they will twig if ever, about Elena’s brief sojourn at and disappearance from, the station?

    Were you urging her vocally:
    “come on Girl, run, run”!?
    (heart beating more than somewhat)
    i was..
    That was SO harsh, a near miraculously lucky escape to have come across a police car by utter chance and THEN…
    i was also urging her:
    “Don’t get in the car!”

    Very funny indeed your mate’s description of Gilou as “A MOnitor Lizard”!
    i suppose there is something of a lizard about Gilou, being that he has a big face and a proportionally large-ish chin i guess but what is a Monitor Lizard when it’s at home?!

    He’s still a big hunkathon though. For me he has an endearing drag aspect to him, think Hinge & Bracket..He could well have a handbag which he would conjure out of nowhere, it would be a big old-fashioned and capacious one, opening with a clasp and from within it’s depths he would flourish a hankerchief for Laure to blow her ever snivelling nose on..

    Nb. What does your mate think of my theory that Gilou blow dries his hair? A bit unusual for a French Les Flic..or maybe the wardrobe department, exasperated by his refusal to change his jeans or T-Shirt (“i’ve only worn them a few weeks!”) took their revenge by bundling him over, protesting loudly, to the Hair Stylists!…

    Seriously, Gilou is for me, Mrs. Doubtfire meets (Gerard) Depardieu..
    Now if he could cook…=”agousto perfecto!”

  • Thank you very much guys/girl, very specific information there..Yes, i may be hoping in vain for a connection with somneone we have seen..

    Does seem from what you say if the language was unidentifiable, he was not necessarily French although of course could be bi-lingual. or tri…

    You would expect as these sort of Dramas usually go, that Vlad would be of the same Nationality and they are all linked ‘from way back when/or from the home country/same village etc.’ ‘ but with Spiral we can never assume..

  • Very interesting idea that Vlad could be Mr Big at the prison, it’s surely a possibility?
    It would certainly be to their benefit to have someone either within the Legal system. Literally within it as in prison would still be useful. or within the Police.

    @Igloo’ for Gilou very funny..i agree about T-Shirts and jeans, however there is a strange law of physics that says some guys are made for suits and look terrible in T-shirts (especially if they iron them including the sleeves-quelle horreure) and some guys just were created for jeans and old T-shirts..Gilou being a prime example..

    I like a guy in a suit or a T-shirt, specially Soul Suit style, now Belmont certainly carries off a suit, ne c’est pas? I feel i am being too terribly sexist dwelling on all this, i may receive a Guardian administered shock emanating from the keyboard soon whilst offending all or some of the men here..

    Sorry guys, not used to being sexist but it’s kind of fun and some retribution for all the allusions however delicate towards the various female characters..”Harpsichords huh, fingering”? uhuh…

    Yes, i too, hoped for Laure to find love with Belmont preferably, no bad thing that they argue as all watchers of romantic dramas can attest. This is often the marker for ‘true love’..First they hate each other, argue, stomp off.. Then there is the required numerous misunderstandings and then, hopefully, reconciliation.

    @James Donaghy predicted on here for us romantics, that they “may well get back together when this case is closed” so there is hope for a fairy tale happy ending yet…perhaps