new! Review of The Bachelor UK Fridays @10pm Channel 5 My Review of the episodes up until 9th August 2012

This is the UK version.  Have seen a bit of the U.S one.  Which i seem to remember i stopped watching ’cause it was a bit boring. Plus i decided it was a little harem like.  The batchelor was a twat i seem to think.  In addition there was an ever smiling yet dead pan man who acted s the host.  He was so impressivley

 chiselled and stiffly handsome that he had a Thunderbird air.  Thunderbirds are go!
In the British one we have the rather rapacious Spencer from Made in Chelsea.  Yes, the ever dashing whilst cheekily grinning with a boyish charm, Spencer.
The scourge of the women folk in Chelsea.  I say this with a genuine fondness for Spencer as a character.

Yes,  in the recently ended series of Made in Chelsea, Spencer stole his best mate’s girl away from him.  Broke Jamie’s heart he did.  Yet Jamie, a heart bigger than his body forgave him in the end.  Jamie being a little short had especially liked that Louis was shorter than him. i reckon.  Jamie did suffer a lot of taunts from his macho man mates Spencer, Proudlock and Hugo. i felt.  They were always calling him “boy”.

Spencer, for all his sins and tut tut, cheeky chappy, he did break up with Louise after Made In Chelsea ended.  So broke his best mate’s heart for nothing.
In spite of all that Spencer seems a genuinely nice guy.  He also has absolutely excellent manners. Well mostly.

Since Spencer cannot but avoid it, through lack of having an ever smiling host who looks like a large Thunderbird puppet.  Spencer simply has to leave a load of ladies the lurch sometimes.  When he goes off with one fair maiden to give her  a rose.

The girls all stay in a beautiful villa in Tuscanny all summer and the Batchelor swans over to see them in his swishing white linen slacks. Not quite sure where Spencer lives in the show.  Still, this is immaterial as it just makes him more mysterious
The Batchelor awards a rose to those ladies he likes just sometimes randomly and also after a date with them.  The ladies that get a rose get to stay. The aim of the show being for Spencer and one of the girls to go off into the sunset together with a view to a long term relationship and or marriage.

 Spencer gives a rose after a dinner during which each of the girls had to do a self written comedy routine for his persusal. Most of this comedy routine consisted of the girls taking the P out of Spencer!  They seemed not to know what comedy was.  His teeth were too white, his legs were stubby, it wet on and on!  Then Spencer ups and leaves them all with Tabitha who looks like a Goth Queen James Bond girl/ possible assassin.

Yes, Spencer spirits slinky drop dead beautiful Tabith away from the dinner and suddenly they are in a flourescent and green  magical grotto.  They kiss.  They start feeling each other up a bit.  Or rather Spencer does.  The scene cuts.We are left to wonder what they are getting up to that requires a diplomatic cut.

Or perhaps it is just to cut back to the flummoxed girls, en masse at the dinner table outside near the edge of the sea.  Hibiscus flowers all around.  Poor girls.  Left with nary a word except:
“Excuse me” I think Spencer said, however i might just be rectifying his really rather bad manners since i have a bit of a soft spot for him.

However Spencer leaves the ladies for Tabitha and the grotto, then asks her to wait for him:
“for a second” and pops back to the table and quietly announces:
“I’ve just got to get something”
he plucks a red rose up from the dinner table and carries it off to his fair maiden awaiting him. In response to her stating her “caution”, Spencer has responded by plighting his troth.  Well nearly. Spencer tells Tabitha that her likes her more than any of the girls there and they have had:
” a connection from the beginning”..  
n.b.It is unclear whether the voice over to the Bachelor is being sarcastic.  Is he taking the P? or not?
i’m unsure. Everything the voice over man is saying is reasonable yet his minimalist and unemotional tone could also be taken to be supremely sardonic.  In which case his simple description of the girls getting ready for the rose ceremony coupled with the shots of them earnestly primping in preparation takes on a sinister air. More like the reality of what is happening rather than the fairytale.

Tabitha is tousled of hair and fairly incandescently beautiful  She looks like a Countess of a far away land or time, or a 21st Century supermodel plumped down for a rest on a seat for a while.  Taking a break from the catwalk.

However later Spencer takes aside young Rene’ a sweet radiant girl who seems to have been creosoted with fake tan.  He tells her she is special to him.  Hmmm..
Rene is a young Mum and claims to be homesick for home.  i believe her and yet only just before Rene’ had been in a sulk over Spencer not taking any notice of her.

Can’t quite remember if Rene was one of the girls who couldn’t be bothered to play golf and threw their golf clubs down in a strop.  That was deeply sad.  i was with Spencer on that one when he said playing sport would reveal a hitherto unknown side of the women.  Indeed, some of them were like fish out of water, stomping around in high heels on grass and sulking when they couldn’t do it.  As Spencer said, you can tell a lot about someone by how they win or lose.

The latest instalment of the Bachelor saw the appearance of Spencer’s best friend from Made in Chelsea, Hugo and two other best mates.  Come to do an Apprentice like quizzing of the girls .

 The three men gather on a table in the sun dappled court yard.  “Describe yourself in three words” they intoned sonorously to Brandy.  Who i really rather liked.  For previously getting drunk when left so rudely behind at dinner by Spencer and declaring that everything was “shit” and “F-ing unfair!”.  Then tottering off and crying.

 Considering the rudeness of Spencer’s behaviour i thought this was the most human and reasonable reaction of all.  The other girls however looked frostily at Brandy and told her she had had too much too drink.  “Time to get you into your pyjamas” they patronised.When it was their reaction that was the more odd.

“Fan-F-ing-tastic!” was Brandy’s reply to the three men.  (She was dispatched, rose-less shortly after..)

Then in a new episode the Bachelor returns back from a date with beautiful wee Marissa and calmly explains to the rest of the gathered waiting girls that”She won’t be coming back”.  Almost as if  Spencer has dispatched Marissa for good and is grinning like a boyishly charming vampire!

The girls had been looking for Marissa whilst primping themselves and preparing for yet another cocktail party  which precedes the rose ceremony.  Where they have to line up and hear the news of their demise from the show by departure or their reprieve by rose.

The girls are shocked, stunned and saddened by Marissa’s guillotine like chop from the show.
“This show just notched up another whole level of craziness!” one of the girls sagely said.
(Several of the girls are visibly upset and mutter mutinously that they didn’t get to say goodbye )

Yet Chloe A, tall shock blond haired Amazonian gleefully gloats to Chloe C:
“Well at least now he’s got rid of her it’s one less for us, huh?”
“Yes, purrs Chloe C of the beestung lips who looks a lot like Marilyn Monroe.

 Chloe C, like most of the girls, is genuinely nice.  It seems some of them maybe on their way to getting their hearts broken just a little bit.

Spencer and his heart?  Who can tell.  He seems to genuinely mean what he says that he’s looking for a long term relationship with a view to marriage.  However methinks Spencer wn’t shed the tears of the girls.  It’s all really rather cruel.  Yet i like it.

Anyway, back to Marissa:
Oh no, poor Marissa! rejected by Spencer!  like Brandy!

Spencer is gutted:
“It was the gentlemanly thing to do, end it early”!
(She would have had to meet my family and friends he said earlier)

“I guess I’ll have to continue searching and i will find my true love”

Poor Marissa, she told too many rude jokes and innuendos for Spencer’s liking.  I guess that wouldn’t roll with his friends and family.  Are we really meant to believe that he plans to marry his chosen love/one?  Kind of like an arranged marriage really? ooops.  Let’s put uncomfortable thoughts of cultural clangers aside.  Hey, it’s a reality show!

  Never mind that the poor women hang about en masse sunning themselves by the pool in Tuscany in their giant white house. Feverishly making themselves beautiful together, like a bunch of girls getting ready for a night out, but doubled in size.  Like they were in boarding school and were going out on the town.  A rather unlikely occurrence.

More like modern multiple princesses in waiting, preparing for their Prince.  Or poor and beautiful harem girls sent from villages in ancient times, to be in the court of the King.

All of the above and a bunch of 21st Century terrible TV. Yes, they all get to be filmed from which they might get some work modelling perhaps.  Maybe some of them hope for TV work.
Yet all of them have jobs, many have careers.  One is a mental health nurse, one was a Phd. student.
 (she was ejected rose-less)

Beattiful sharp nosed Chloe A, with cheek bones like twin butter knives is a lap dancer.  She is a posh spoken Amazonian beauty.  She explains that she does it for the money.  It’s all a little Pretty woman romantic in that we are aware of her secret as are the rest of the girls.

 All keep the girls code and don’t divulge to Spencer except for one girl who makes a dark allusion to Chloe’s secret.  Luckily Chloe has already forestalled the likeliness of one of the girls spilling the bean.  Chloe C tells Spencer in a jolly private date by the sea and sand.

Spencer fortunately takes it well however being a gentleman he is unlikely to say if he doesn’t approve.
Tellingly, he doesn’t reject Chloe A at the later rose ceremony.  So she stays.  Ahh.

Rene’, who i also liked even though she had the odd appearance of a living tree sprite from the forest. Her face being a shining visage of cherry wood. Rene was one of my favourites and earned my respect by challenging Spencer’s slimy friend Tom’s comments about Spencer thus:
“So you are only in this for a fling, not a proper relationship?  That’s what your mate told me”  Rene’ challenged Spencer.
“Ah, but he was just testing your loyalties! quipped Spencer.  True?  i’m unsure.

Thankfully Rene kept her integrity and metaphorically stomped off refusing a rose in fine form and saying she was not wasting her time with someone who was not in it for love.  She was going back to her young daughter.  i had wondered about the worth of her staying there as measured against being away from her tiny daughter.

Rene was a lovely, sweet sparkly girl however it was obvious that Spencer would go for taller, posher, blonder women than her.  Caggie from Made In Chelsea look a-likes is my theory.  Sound a-likes too.

Spencer, so far, has ejected a really brainy girl and the only two girls with a proper sense of humour.  He has kept a born again Christian, Rose, who reads her bible and believes in abstinence before marriage.  Although she has not got around to mentioning that to Spencer yet. Chloe A and Chloe C remain as do Jess

Some of the girls were really rubbish at sport and any physical activity.  Even worse, were sore losers.  Had these girls never done any games at school?  They seemed proud that they had no muscle strength in their arms.  The beautiful Goth queen snow white alike Tabitha pouted petulantly and near plucked at her pasty arm.  She looked more like a vampire caught out by the mid day sun.  We are girly girls.

Each date that Spencer takes a girl on is fairly fabulous.  Set up to look like the date to end all dates.  Each girl is told that she feels special to Spencer.

The date with Jess in particular was spectacular.  They sat on a rooftop for dinner high above the city surrounded by tea-lights on every surface and fairly lights strung all around. Apartment blocks as far as the eye can see are lit up and outlined by thousands of burning candles.  Blimey, Spencer has pushed the boat out there, how did he get the whole street to light up their windows with candles? i wondered.

Well it was a special festival you see and the sky was lit up by a firework show.  Two spurting white rockets crossed each other in the sky as Spencer and Jess cuddled silently, held hands and gazed in wonder.  Another very special moment.  It’s all very odd.

The most hilarious task yet that Spencer has set the girls comprised of them all having to compete as Roman gladiators in fighting games.  The girls and Spencer were dressed in full golden leather Roman fighting gear.
Th girls had to fight each other with giant sticks with soft ends wlike large q-tips.  After flailing around for a while things got a bit nasty when beautiful Indira is whacked in the face by a warrior like blond gladiator.

Whilst the girls are channelling ancient warrior Queens, Spencer dressed in full Roman fighting gear was truly a sight to behold.  Spencer was made to wear Roman leather skirts and breastplates.  He looks like an ancient grinning Roman.

Next week, we are promised:
 “hissy fits as things take a turn for the worse”,  looks like the girls maybe starting to fight for their prize…

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