The Killing remake episodes 12&13 Series 1 Silly Finale Comments that didn’t make it onto the Guardian forum

I wrote this to go on the Guardian forum of the Killing remake but it didn’t make it since it was closed. It was in response to a forum poster suggesting theme music and songs to go with the perpetual and torrential rain in the remake and for the closing scene..
( i made up some more things along the way..)

As Ann Peebles & Tina Turner
(who happen to live in the remake as do all the people mentioned here)
look outside they sing together;
“I can’t stand the rain, against my window, bringing back sweet memories”..
(of when it was sunny)
They see Jimmy Cliff across the way and he sings too:
Many rivers to cross, I can’t seem to find my way home”..

Orange Juice Jones is out and about and spots Linden & Holder and announces through song:
“I saw her and him, walking in the rain..”
Gene Kelly, being of an optimistic bent is twirling around lamp posts and splashing with glee in puddles galore singing:
“I’m singing in the rain, just singing in the rain, what a glorious feeling, I’m happy again”..

As the rain finally becomes a flood and then a river, sweeping through the streets of Seattle, small animals begin scurrying away, shrieking “eek!” “eek!” and the sea lion calls from his lake “oik! “oik!”
(he is the only sea lion left in the lake since Linden found his dear wife washed up dead on the beach and he has been mourning ever since)
and then
(finding speech for this emergency)
the sea lion calls out:
“Oi!” “over here, you might as well join me, worse things happen at sea!”
(plus he would like some company)
But sadly this is never to be as the now raging river is bound for the sea..

As things get really biblical, Holder and Linden are now doing a de Caprio and Winslett on the prow of the Titanic Remake as it ploughs through the river. Whilst Richmond, down below in the bar, beaming in white tuxedo and black bow tie, conducts a jazz band as the Titanic Remake falls over the edge of the Niagra falls..
(it’s geographic poetic license)

Richmond is finally happy as he will join his beloved in the underworld of his watery grave and he has converted the whole town to jazz on the way.

Linden & Holder’s boss, bad tempered and floating in a black sedan car with tinted windows can be heard shouting as he goes:
“I told you you had nothing concrete!”…

the sea lion looks on sadly from his lake “Oikkk, Oikkk!”..
(translated means)
“told you it would be bad at sea
Silly pathetic fallacy”!

and flops off down into the depths where no rain can get him…

transcripts of my comments on Vicky Frost’s Guardian Blog on The Killing Remake Channel 4 Thursdays @9pm:Episodes 11&12

  • 22 September 2011 2:39PM

    Kissington, you have returned! lovely to have you back:)
    yes, this is great fun, the alternative awards..
    @jsully:
    yes, aetiology, a much underused word..
    liked your lines

    90 minutes lost in the underworld..bad boat trip to hades..

    yes, the experience of watching The Killing remake much like a journey along the river Styx, dark, damp and dirge-like..
    thanks for the recommendation of the film

    @Badger169
    yes, i nearly ditched half-way through too, and agree about the daftness of wetness as a clue! you reminded me of the actual plot referencing Forbrydelsen and it suddenly made a bit of sense again! Had kind of given up on any resemblance of logic, real evidence, a plot and actually seeing much through the stygian gloom..

    @All:
    how about

    concrete hand of the year award
    Belko

    scene stealer extraordinaire award
    1st prize Holder
    from under everybody’s noses

    2nd prize Mitch
    missing maenad from True Blood. Through a window on a telephone
    tho not hard to steal scenes from Stan & Terry

    Child in Drama most in need of a (chirpy) dog
    Jack
    then, if he ever got lost again, Lassie alike could find him:
    “what, down a mine shaft?!”

    Fiance most likely to be cheating or looking like a serial killer award
    Rick
    on a Sunday, another woman answers his phone & won’t put him on..

    Most incorrectly pronounced name throughout series 1 award
    Ahmed
    by everybody. except Richmond for which he gets a prize

    Most non-Somalian Somalian characters:why? award
    Bennet
    The Iman
    Ayesha
    nb. we are supposed to ignore the fact that the actor playing Bennet is not Somalian, yet he is described as having “dreads” by a witness..
    but Somalian guys don’t have dreads..

    Most calculated plot devices award :
    there for one week’s story line or just to be different from Forbrydelsen:
    Murder of 13 year old boy (unless we hear of it again)
    Use of F.G.M solely for a Muslim terrorism/paranoia plotline

    Backfiring calculated plotline award
    plot line to supposedly show discrimination and stereotyping of Muslims
    in America which did that very thing in the show..

    Muslim stereotyping galore award:
    with mention to mistaken religious references award:
    The Killing remake:

    prayer hats worn like beanie hats
    prayer hat worn to work & less than pristine (shopkeeper in beginning)
    Iman saying “your government”to Richmond
    (Richmond replies “it’s your government too” Oh Dear)
    Somalians, seemingly code for for Muslims in America, practising F.G.M?

    ridiculous inconsistent plot lines award:
    surely F.G.M, like in Britain is illegal? all Bennet had to do was report it?

    Never explained how Bennet &Mo were getting passports for under age girls & successfully transporting them, without their parents, across the border?

    Bennet is a devout Muslim, yet Amber does not appear to have converted to marry him? eg not wearing a Hijab when she goes out..

    Award for travesty, con & sham of a remake award:
    The Killing Remake
    for fooling it’s viewers into expecting resolution at the end of the series
    relying on the fact that it is a murder Drama to keep viewers hooked
    for remaking a near Masterpiece Forbrydlesen equalling a travesty..

transcripts of my comments on Vicky Frost’s Guardian Blog on The Killing Remake Channel 4 Thursdays @9pm:Episode 11&12

  • 21 September 2011 12:43AM

    The Bette Davis Raspberry award:for worst Sexist & Ageist stereotype of a woman since the 40’s
    for Belko’s mother.

    Most asinine assumed aetiology for madness award:
    for the bonkerness of Belko.
    Not Mom “dropping his cat in the dumpster when he was little”..

    Award for deviations from the standard norm who have suitably repented:
    1st prize:Holder:giant cross tatoo and blathering about God&oneness
    2nd prize:Richmond:philandering ways “unhealthy but stopped now”
    3rd prize:Linden who let the Father into her son’s life, becoming normal

    Brave Rebel against Psychobabble award:
    1st prize Stan:
    psychologist “How did it make you feel?”(beating Bennet to a pulp)
    Stan:”I didn’t feel anything!”

    Simone de Beauvoir Raspberry Award for worst Sexist Stereotype:
    1st prize Linden:
    Hysterics.Shouty.More hysterics.Remembers to apply Lipstick@ all times

    2nd prize Gwen:
    Lovelorn over Richmond:
    “I’ll come back& join the rally, hey, I’m good for something, right?”

    Sexist Remark Award:
    1st Prize:Holder to Linden when she raises her voice outside the casino
    “Gee, is there 1 or 2 days a month that you’re NOT P.M.S-ing?”

    Psychobabble Award:
    1st prize Gwen
    to Richmond’s ex-lover:
    “his former indiscretions aren’t relevant to where he is now”
    2nd prize Regi
    pretty much anything that comes out of her mouth

    special mention for psychobabble under stress:
    Linden when looking for her missing son on phone to other Mother:
    “Your son is making bad decisions…i appreciate your candour”!
    to Holder:”We make choices to fix our bad decisions”..

    Meaningless spiritual crap talk award
    1st prize Holder:
    “Perception is circumstantial” “Wisdom is all around”
    “I see the grey, not the black and white”

    Honest Admission Award:
    1st prize Holder:
    “To tell you the truth I love that Meth, I love that Lady..”

    Blaxpoitation award circa 1970-2011
    1st Prize Holder:
    “Homey” “Brother” Girlfriend” “Chief” Yo” “Your white ass” “Dawg”
    Not even Shaft, Huggy Bear or the guys from The Wire talked like this.
    “It ain’t no thing!” Holder, you’re not the Isley Brothers..(It’s a song)

    Guilt trip city emotional blackmailing award (to Linden)
    Regi & Rick Joint 1st prize
    with special mention to regular inclusion of a past breakdown..

    Most look-alike Herman Munster award
    Mitch

    Person most bright, bouncy & breezy, post-murder of a close relative:
    Terry

    The Hallmark Moment speech award
    1st prize Richmond:
    “My wife was the daughter of a bus-driver, she showed me things i had never seen, the beauty of a vegetable patch, the horror of a homeless shelter, if i become Mayor, it will be because of her, she will be with me”

    Hallmark moment award
    1st prize Stan
    Slo-mo scene with little girl on pink bike where he helps her with helmet
    2nd prize
    Mitch & her Dad with photo album& her childhood dreams scrapbook..

    statement of the bleeding obvious award:
    Linden “She was cold, alone, he hunted her”…

    Most un-politically correct language award
    1st prize Belko
    “hey Osama!”

    with a mention to questionably un-politically correct?
    Linden (about the Native American Indians in the casino)
    “She and her pit bulls are circling the wagons”..

    Past trauma & suffering award:
    conferring holier than thou status & allowing partaking of various vices
    (as long as repentance is complete)
    1st prize Holder
    traumatic childhood allowing for meth addiction, stealing treasured gold coin from nephew, money from sister: now preaching on fatherhood, good mothering & describing Linden’s ex as a “deadbeat”

    2nd prize Richmond
    untimely death of his wife allowing for philandering and drinking
    Mitch
    murder of her daughter allows for one fag/cigarette..

    Most overuse of Dark as Evil award:
    The Killing Remake (ever heard of daylight horror?)

    French Farce award:
    but with no French nor humour:(well some unintentional)
    The Killing Remake

    Sensing Murder award:
    1st Prize Linden
    for her psychic staring in Discovery woods..

transcripts of my comments on Vicky Frost’s Guardian Blog on The Killing Remake Channel 4 Thursdays @9pm:Episode 11&12

  • 16 September 2011 10:46PM

    @Tiepolo
    hey,Thanks, glad i made you laugh:)
    @Boeddy
    Yes, the shmaltz , i too felt the same way-see paragraph 4 up there. File under extremely icky i agree
    @MoreTears
    i take your point about Halloween. Brits would probably not have registered that the same as it’s much more important over there i believe, Canada too?

    odd thought which occurred to me at the time:
    How did Holder know straight off/for sure that the shoe was Rosie’s? from the crime photos yes, but how come he was so on it & Linden wasn’t?

    plus i remember Holder making jokes about algebra questions a while back like he couldn’t do it but seemed pretty hot on the mileage maths..

transcripts of my comments on Vicky Frost’s Guardian Blog on The Killing Remake Channel 4 Thursdays @9pm:Episode 11

  • 16 September 2011 12:30PM

    @Devongirl4
    Yes, European drama spoils you, like Ferro Rocher, for this kind of tosh. Becoming aware how clunking with cliche & dire & dreadful signposted

    emotion

    most US and Brit murder dramas are:yes, we must have the Hallmark moment, ditto the dreadful curse of psychobabble. Tick box the classical references & moody stygian gloom=atmosphere. Add some flood level warning perpetual rain..

    Throw in a few well worn shadowy close-ups, ghostly moving swings (with no wind) @ houses in the middle of nowhere, journeys to a sepia lit graveyard for contemplation, the obsessive, hyper-emotional quest of the lead Detective..

    Yes, Lund did obsessive but pleeez, the Hallmark moment-ing of a murder chase scene was sickly bordering on sick. Like a sad so called psychic git in ‘Sensing murder’, Linden is staringly psychic. She knows! just by psychic staring! whilst choking up all the while as she emoted away..Hello? You’re supposed to be a Detective!

    Holder:”that’s her shoe!””She ran 3 miles, that’s why she cut her foot!” boy, he knows a lot.”Bag it, mark it as evidence!” Hurray, they actually have some evidence. No photograph in situ? Linden is still pouting and looking (for one awful moment i thought it was flashback time) her eureka moment being based on the presence of:a road..

    Quote of the series:Jack to Momz:
    “No need to get all emotional!” Exactly Jack!

    the preponderance of black/the black clues
    Orpheus, amusing as i said the remake was stygian, coming from the Greek myth of the Underworld. (so very erudite and meaningful you know)

    Being that the black darkness in the Remake is nigh on impenetrable, giving whole new meaning to my phrase Stygian gloom and not even being relieved by the usual lamps like glow worms dotted about such Dramas:wouldn’t the whole of the cast (bar the Politicos who luckily live in the land of the light) benefit from wearing permanent miner lamps forever fixed to their foreheads?!

    Linden writes her hilariously jolly, sorry sinister e-mail, in complete darkness
    I KNOW WHAT YOU DID (LAST SUMMER)!

    the black clues mount up:
    Richmond’s campaign car had black tinted windows=he must have done it:”He could do anything to her in there!”
    Richmond’s computer (computer chimes!) is in a black cupboard
    Richmond makes a black shadow in the doorway=looks all spooky=he must have done it!

    hey, on this premise the whole town did it coz that black is just everywhere..surely Linden only has to round up all the black and let there be light! lock that blackness up ..

    Detectives just all the time get really upset about their cases& decide to pitch up @ a hulking great suspected murderer’s house to really give them a piece of their mind!

    That told him Linden, spill the beans about what you know to a suspect and shout yourself hoarse nose to nose with him in the ridiculous belief he will confess all in a shouting match.
    Just plain:

    embarrassing as a scene, ridiculous as a concept, cringeworthy to watch. Plus, how does Linden keep getting in, unannounced? Does she have a magic key?

    Reckon the whole cast plus the scriptwriters went down a pub before filming and finally loosened up a bit. However being American they couldn’t handle regular beer and started to get all weepy& shouty..

    The scriptwriters, wanting to keep a clear head, unwisely decided on a quick toke out the back instead (“Hey, we’ll do this wild scene at Richmond’s pad, him in the doorway, just like Forbrydelsen, silhouette..)

    Linden’s face, chrysalis like, cracked out of it’s catatonic state and discovered smiling. Really wish you hadn’t Linden. Since, so unused to this new phase of farcical facial shenanigans, Linden’s lips: groaning under the weight of the thickest slick of vilest red lipstick then creaked and slithered and slid into a serial killer sneer..

    Mitch’s acting abilities carry through the window at the prison. Stan’s acting doesn’t survive. He looks like a dull beardy troll. Severe sympathy deficit for the very much feeling sorry for herself mournful Munster Mitch. She used to have plans. How very un-sad.

    Seems Mitch came down a peg or two in settling for Stan and now sees it all clearly. But a small point, your sons? Being that Mitch is the strongest character in the family, this story line seems oddly unbelievable.

    Neither MItch nor Stan ask where Terry conjured up a large sum for bail from her bar job?

    Gwen describes Richmond as “soaking wet” yes, but the whole town makes a monsoon look like a shower, all he’d have to do is stand outside with no coat on! This is seized upon as incriminating evidence..

    Boss”Let me know when you have some actual Detective work to do!You still got nothing concrete”
    Linden”even his own girlfriend thinks he did it!”
    so that, Richmond’s wetness and one dodgy photo is enough..

    Holder & x in Black tinted window car.
    (black windows-they did it!)

    It bowled along at a merry pace, much like A French farce..

transcripts of my comments on Vicky Frost’s Guardian Blog on The Killing Remake Channel 4 Thursdays @9pm:Episode 11

  • 15 September 2011 12:48AM

    @Devongirl
    yes, it’s a shame really, because i was quite into it at the start and would have been fairly happy to accept it much in the same way as i did The Chicago Code for example, as a beautifully filmed and cliche ridden but fun thing to watch. Playing count the cliches can be fun. However not saying who dunnit at the end is more than somewhat of a disappointment.

    Yes, i was a bit gutted to find out originally, but i would much rather have known as you say. People in America were furious! and i don’t blame them. Surely it’s against all accepted murder Drama convention?

    Playing spot the deliberately subverted cliche is also fun but ultimately a bit tiresome since it seems to say hey look at us we’re so very avant-garde you know…Which can work if a Drama is good enough to hold that however i’m not sure this one is. i wonder if this non-ending is such an attempt at being oh so very clever and different?

    @ All
    nb. i’m still waiting for Linden to break out of her turgid torpor, she did briefly a while back, became almost animated..

transcripts of my comments on Vicky Frost’s Guardian Blog on The Killing Remake Channel 4 Thursdays @9pm:Episode 11

  • 14 September 2011 7:01PM

    @Haveadrinkonme:
    i have it! i like the sound of a maple bacon doughnut..
    @More Tears
    hey, thanks for that, nice one
    nb @All:
    For everyone piling in on More Tears about her/him saying there is no resolution at the end of this season:that seems a bit unfair since i distinctly remember an American commentator very early on, in Blog one or two maybe, informing us of the same thing and saying sorry if it was a spoiler but they thought we should have fair warning. i also mentioned it two Blogs back from this in a sentence about dramatic tension and hence the lack of it since we knew that already..

    nb. a thought occurs that in this lightly knitted nightmare scenario of Episode 11, or rather crochet with lots of holes, Linden was most likely going around all day with the very number in her mobile of Jack’s Dad..the person who had him.

    @Sylvanfox:
    i take your point however i think what people have pointed out is that this characterisation and personal information seemed forced upon us somehow all in one episode. Hence, well in my case anyway, leading to a natural rebellion against what became an apparent obvious ploy.

    plus in my experience, when someone has been in care or Foster care, it’s not information they give up lightly at all. I guess the root of my annoyance is that all this background stuff failed spectacularly for me in growing some sympathy for or with the characters.

    Maybe as people have pointed out, if it had been drip fed more slowly throughout? I think we kind of gathered so far that both Holder and Linden had troubled pasts. Possibly we feel a little starved of the police procedural side of it. Myself i have given up on that a while back now and am just along for the ride..

    @ All:
    Wasn’t it Hitchcock who said that what the eye doesn’t see the imagination fills in far more scarily?

    Yes, i did feel a twinge of sympathy for Holder at the end of the corridor. Perhaps it wasn’t a sinister light? he definitely emoted pain in his eyes. Due, of course as has been so tiresomely spelt out now, to him not having a “Momz”. Like Linden even..
    At least i could see

    something

    in his eyes, unlike you know who (fish face)
    or anybody else for that matter..

    nb. call me cruel and cynical but was

    “not knowing where the light switch was and the window”

    really

    the worst thing

    that could happen to a child whether in or out of Foster care?

transcripts of my comments on Vicky Frost’s Guardian Blog on The Killing Remake Channel 4 Thursdays @9pm:Episode 11

  • 14 September 2011 2:16PM

    @haveadrinkonme:
    thanks, i’m trying to think on that one, hmm.. (this may take a while)
    @Jsully
    cheers. Yes, but it a due for a rant. I know….

    BTW @All:
    who didn’t see the gold coin punch line coming at the end a mile off? pleeezz save us from this God awful gold coin story now…

    nb. i had the admittedly odd feeling, odd since i had to remind myself that nobody except us were party to his various phone calls to his sister, that all those conversations, like his narco anonymous speech were all simply staged by Holder for effect-weird huh?
    eg. he wasn’t even talking to a voicemail

    also, wouldn’t anybody who realises that another adult has
    a) swapped mobile numbers with your child
    b)neither asked you if this is ok nor told you that they have done it

    be just a little taken aback and maybe take that person to task for doing it without your permission?

    but of course Linden was to busy being denigrated by Holder for not being there for her son and thus distracted by Holder from the real point of this discovery which was finding out he not only had he swapped numbers with Jack but was now on phone chatting terms with her son without her knowledge eg.
    Holder:
    “well at least

    I
    answer my phone (guilt trip city)

    funny that Holder could break a young teenager’s pass code so easily?
    anybody know what “funnyuns” is?

    Also note how Holder speaks back to Linden the exact same phrase he said at his Narco anonymous speech, testing her out to see if she will admit to having been there. Or trip herself up having been hooked by his feeder line into giving away information that she could only have known from being there..classic manipulator technique.

    Being that Holder is the stand out in this series and the only one with enough gumption, nay energy, amongst the walking dead of the cast, to kill somebody (except maybe Regi or Rick) i vote him for the doer.

    He is certainly an expert manipulator and master of guises in my opinion. He knocks Linden down, bullies and criticises her, to build her up and then praise her. Questioning her constantly about her background and her personal history. Then using this information against her.

    Playing on her vulnerability and lack of self-esteem. Creating a sense of shared backgrounds and commonality between them. All techniques used by manipulators.
    (ok too many episodes of Criminal Minds..)

    It would be really annoying if they used Holder’s supposed damaged past as the aetiology for his possible madness and murdering ways. See, look what happens when you don’t have a Momz and Dad….

    well was i the only one not feeling all soppy about the closing scene with him in the hallway instead detecting a slight hint of something sinister &not quite so hallmark in his eyes?..