Will start with the Final episode then work backwards with just everything under random headings:
Final Episode short synopsis in silly dialogue mostly:
Spencer (who has summarily dumped Funda so he could go off to Cannes and hopefully get his wicked way with milk maiden Caggie which like most of Spencer’s cunning plans didn’t work)
Well Spencer and Hugo decide on a pink chest pocket hankerchief for Spencer’s date.
Spencer has a blue hanky underneath the pink one he shows Hugo for his opinion. However the blue is a crap blue. (sorry but it is) Spencer tells Hugo:
“I always keep one underneath, it helps hold it up”! (wow-deep)
Francis gets in a Life Coach:
“I had a problem with my intern and Rosie”..
(That’s not what you get a Life Coach for)
The Life Coach asks Francis De Boules who his hero is?
“My hero is David Cameron, he’s so blah blah blah…”
(he didn’t really say blah blah but it became too boring to relate)
The Life Coach asks Francis to tell her why he shouldn’t be thrown out of a hot air balloon?
“Why i shouldn’t be thrown out of a hot air balloon?” (in Chelsea?!)
“I do magic, graffiti, Oh! and I’m hugely talented”! (graffiti, really Francis?!)
Francis does, as we know, have rather a big opinion of his many talents. Francis mainly hires women to try and chat them up. Thankfully he doesn’t do this to the Life Coach.
Meanwhile: Millie, no i think it’s Amber ( i kept getting them mixed up they look a lot alike) goes to see Mark Francis (i finally get his name right, i have been calling him Jean Paul i think although i kinda prefer that now)
The Secret of the mystery of the Beige clad women is explained!:
Amber totters silkily into see Mark Francis who immediately calls for “Champagne” from his ever present staff. Amber comments:
“You are so nice to your Service”!
(Mark Francis has impeccable manners-this is why i had hoped for a future with him and Agnes but this scene reveals why this may not happen, sadly..)
“I just saw the most tragic black leggings…with kitten heels!” (quelle horreur! don’t ask me)
nb. Is this meant to be girl to gay guy conversation denoting that Mark Francis is gay?
Amber tells of her dreams for the future:
“When I’m old i shall wear a camel cashmere cape”! (what a dream to have, isn’t it meant to be “when i grow old i shall wear purple”?)
“I’m already living in camel! camel, camel, camel everywhere, i swear i have humps!” (he is genuinely funny, well for Chelsea anyway)
The secret to me wondering why they had all taken a vow of beige is revealed! and i was not far off to suggest that i was sure they were told it was taupe. Not, taupe, camel, they confessed all…
Elsewhere Caggie chooses a guitar in a shop whilst mooching moodily as is her wont and chatting to Millie:
“It goes with my outfit, that’s how people choose guitars”..
“I’m going back to New York, promise me Millie, you won’t tell Spencer?” (yeah right)
Ollie’s Terrible Date:
subheading:Ollie’s Disastrous Date:or is it?
i canna remember if i explained how Ollie came out, finally, to himself really since everybody except his poor long suffering beautiful and curly lipped girlfriend Gabrielle had sussed long ago.
However Ollie seemed to chicken out from going the whole way, claiming that he was bisexual, as he put it “a discount gay”! Oh Dear. Ollie then proceeded to talk in what he obviously thought was prerequisite rude gay speak which was totally cringe worthy. Believe me..
We will come across these jolly jokes (as he thinks of them) peppered around, so look away for the rest of my made In Chelsea recollections, if you find such words too rude, and pardon me in advance. The re-telling of Ollie’s dialogue is, i feel, pertinent to portraying the hilarious non-comedic moments of Ollie and come under the heading i have invented called Ollieisms..
Ollie’s first official date with a guy:(well for the programme since he told Gabrielle he had “experimented” and i don’t think he meant in a Scientific way)
The guy is urbane and brainy looking like he might read a paper or even books. You worry for Ollie (well i did) when the guy asks Ollie what kind of films he likes?.
“Miss Congeniality and Casper The Friendly Ghost”!
(Ollie is so nervous that he has his two best friends Binky & Chepsky on speaker phone listening via his mobile on the table. As soon as handsome smiling model man goes to the loo they hiss at Ollie down the phone, suitably horrified at this faux pas of un-coolness. At one point handsome guy asks about Ollie’s Ex’s to which Ollie replied:
He had a vagina”!
Ollie’s date returns from the loo:
Another Ollieism occurs:
“I nearly asked you how your wee went?!”
Good looking guy looks suitably repulsed by this clanger however amazingly, stays, and appears at the Polo with Ollie. Maybe Ollie sorted out his vaginal issues.
At some point Caggie is wearing a pink top that looks like a nightie from the 50’s. Swear it’s Bri-Nylon..
Millie, Caggie’s best mate blanks her phone call when Millie is having drinks with Spencer and Hugo and Spencer’s new Girlfriend. Incredibly, Millie has kept her promise not to tell Spencer that Caggie is leaving. However, this is a strange girly quirk of love perhaps, in that Caggie really did want Millie to tell.
Elsewhere, Frederick is in a beautiful place drinking tea and smoking a hookah whilst talking Arabic to the waiter. Very impressive. Arabic is obviously ‘in’.
Francis meets with Agnes, Frederick & Jean Paul @the Polo Match:
Francis tries to make amends like he’s on the 12 steps when really he has seen a Life Coach.
Francis to Agnes :
nb. Francis has changed the pronunciation of Agnes’s name by dropping the ‘s’ and awarding a new French accent on the end:eg. “Agne’ “!
“Er…Er…I’m sorry”! (about time)
This is a very tardy apology for having coldly agreed with his mate Frederick that since they both liked Agnes they would not let their friendship be affected by this competition for her favours. They would both date Agnes at the same time and “see what transpired” as Francis had creepily put it.
Plus Frederick and Francis boasted openly to the girls Rosie and Amber (in a break from their fencing in a large room of a house) that this was their plan regarding Agnes and that it was “Bros before Ho’s”. lovely. Rosie subsequently outs the lads’ dastardly plan to Agnes at a masked ball. Whereupon Francis called Rosie “a gossip vigilante and an F-ing B****
Francis to Agnes at the polo:
“Er..Er…Er…I’m sorry” (about time)
“there was some chemistry..”
Frederick”Francis, are you a asking her on a date?”
Agnes, amazingly, agrees!
nb. Dreadful silence earlier when Francis apologises to Rosie and Amber in the beautiful tea place with Frederick puffing away on his hookah pipe.
(F that he called Rosie an F-ing B.)
Francis appears to be socially very awkward veering towards mildly autistic. Maybe even Aspergers syndrome. Presumably he went to boarding school or a day school where he would have had to converse with other people. Yet he acts as if he was raised in a cupboard. Or maybe by some very posh wolves.
Meanwhile, back at the polo match:
Ollie meets up with his ex, Gabrielle, who he broke up with in the vaguest and most obscure of meaning break up line ever:
that he “wasn’t really sure how i felt about guys and girls”
Gabrielle had cried plentifully and piteously over the break-up. At her piano mostly. Whilst her so called mate (but not really mate) Ollie’s best mate Binky watched her weep with all the sympathy of a snake about to snatch a a live morsel up for dinner.
Binky to sobbing Gabrielle:
“I wish i could wrap you up in cotton wool, give you a hug” (so what’s stopping you Binky?!)
We discovered Gabrielle could really sing, brilliantly! Why on earth, i wondered, had she wasted her time with beautiful but dim Ollie who looked at her like a bad smell or a slug he had stepped on at night in his bare feet?
The triumph and escape from Ollie by Gabrielle (who can really sing!)
Ollie speaks to Gabrielle at the polo match with his new (handsome) beau around..
Gabrielle:(looking radiant in a long frilly floaty dress with long hair down and lip as curly as ever but this time not in sorrow)
Ollie just stares like the prat he is. He is so used to seeing and enjoying Gabrielle suffer that he thinks that she still is and lets her babble a bit whilst standing in sarcastic silence. (his face arranged in supposed sympathy yet looking like he’s wincing)
“Awesome, cool, awesome, amazing, I’m really happy for you”..
Gabrielle’s date comes up!
Gabrielle to Ollie:
“What an odd looking bloke”!
(Ollie only cares about looks)
Caggie arrives at the Polo match in a big white Rolls to say Goodbye:
( since her plan failed)
Caggie meets Spencer on the grass for a Casablanca type farewell:
(Spencer’s new Lady is around but sensibly hoofs it)
Spencer tries to cry but can’t since he is a sociopath. They snog!
“If it was up to me i wouldn’t let you go” He hasn’t said “Stay, I love you” which is what Caggie wants. She walks away white trouser suit flapping gently in the breeze. The rolls Royce is really ugly, with spoilers! However the flying Winged Victory goes up automatically! How cool is that?
Spencer to Hugo:
“We just kissed”
“Stop sitting here acting like a F-ing pussy! get to the Airport, stop her from going. Spencer zooms after her… think i’ve described this scene in final thought on Made In Chelsea however Spencer grimaces manfully a lot whilst driving in an oh so macho way in his big black beastie jeep beetling it down the motorway…Will he make it in time?
Caggie at the airport:
(it only seemingly took her five minutes that must be the problem, the Rolls must be faster than the Jeep)
Caggie to Millie:
“You saw it, it broke my heart!”
We see two feet in high heels walking back across the concourse..Spencer arrives..however we spot that the shoes are wedges which belong to Millie
(who declared earlier that she wore her wedges as they were best for stamping on the divets on the polo pitch)
Millie to Spencer:
We see a silver plane fly up overhead and away.