New:Luther BBC1:Episode 2 Series 2 Aired Last Week:21st June 2011:Warning Contains Spoilers

This programmed contains scenes some viewers might find disturbing.
(That’s me)

Daft Opening Song:
“Love is like a sin my love.
For the ones that feel it the most.
Look at her with eyes like a flame.
She will love you like a fly will never love you.”

(A Fly, are you sure?!)
Very daft. Is it about Alice?

Luther Episode 2: A (silly) Synopsis Through Dialogue and scene notes:Do not Read if not seen this episode:Contains spoilers

Justin (Ripley)
Is in the dungeon. For once it’s a man in the dark and drippy dungeon.

Cameron (murderer)
Comes along with a blow torch, then a red hot poker. Things are not looking good for Ripley. (I didn’t look).

Murderer’s Artwork:
Is called the Integrated Personality.

(studying this work)
“His work is in empty rooms, and now Ripley, empty car”!
“Heel springed Jack dissapeared too! He’s going to dissapear and haunt us”!.

Luther went into a free form genius brainstorming session hunched in an office chair thinking furiously.
(hunched because the chair’s too small)

The murderer rings:
“Shut up everybody, it’s Ripley’s phone!”
“Sorry i hurt your puppy”…
Luther hangs up. (It’s his genius plan)
“Don’t answer it,, he gets your attention, soon as he has it he doesn’t need Ripley”
“I will send you pictures of every burn, every cut, every have 10 seconds, one..”
Luther rips up the phone. (Luther is good at wrecking office stuff)

Glasses Man Boss Shenck:
“What if Pell (murderer) regards your silence as weakness and not strength?”
“He won’t”.

Murderer chatting to Ripley:
“You know the phrase the banality of evil? It’s bourgeois platitudes..We’ve got our myths, Crippen, Jack the Ripper. Murder transfigured them. Shadows cast depth, I’ve worked so hard to become a shadow”.
(err, ok..)

Oh No! (in another unconnected scene)
Luther gets a nail hammered through his hand into the table.

Evil Lady Caroline:
Like a lot of actresses now has weird lips.Luther pulls his hand out of the table. (Ugh. Plus a bit Jesus Christ and all that)

Paul Ex-Con in antique? Gun and Knife shop (antique since there are no gun & knife shops in London)

“Morning officer”! to Desire, young new recruit, in plain clothes.
“Well i am familiar with the species!”
“Seriously mein herr, would you like to see my papers?”

Murderer to Ripley:
(still held in dungeon)
“Do they know where it goes next?. Do you know where it goes next?”
“I’d love to know where it goes next”!
(So would we all)

Back to scene with Evil Caroline&Luther:
“Do you want out?”
“Of what?”
“Of this”!.
“Are you lying?”
“No, I’m not”!.

nb. A Croatian guy has an Irish accent!

Luther and Paul (his dead ex-wife’s fiance) in front of Paul’s Pad:
Where did they find an old warehouse with wooden Dutch filigree shutters painted orange red in London? Faded in an impossibly chic manner
Get Jennifer (Evil Caroline’s daughter Luther rescued) out of the boot of the car and wrap her up in a rug. Jennifer hugs Luther around the waist for ages. (Any higher would be difficult) He looks embarrassed. Ahh.

The Spectacled Boss is Scary.
Shenck when questioning a suspect:Shenck’s Interview technique:
“I know men like you like you know men like me, guess what, it’s come down on you like the hand of God. Then the tonnage and velocity of shit that’s coming down on you”!
Shenck also tells the suspect that he knows he’s lying since there’s a tell at the corner of his mouth. Sure..

Ripley flatters the Murderer (still in the dungeon)
“You really want to know? I’m dying to tell you”..

Luther Muses In a Genius Way To Solve The Crime:
“It’s the opposite of an explosion, it’s an implosion, a black hole, evil at it’s most pure”..
(Luther goes all genius)
“Who do we protect and shield from all evils of the world?..He’s gonna hit children”!

Back To Ripley:
Ripley gets away-yey!
(From a noose, a plastic bag round his head and tied up)

(Sad violin music plays when the children are taken)

The Green Valley Industrial Park:
Luther in traffic:
“Move, move!” (Don’t tell me Luther is going to be late for this one? nb. Why doesn’t Luther have a police car or at least a stick on siren?)

The murderer, Cameron:
Uh oh he’s hooking in the sodium hydroxide as a gas? One kid gets out of the van whilst all the rest scream and knock..He looks like he’s from All About A Boy)

Luther & The Murderer face to face plus the escaped boy:
Luther asks the boy what’s your name? (ignores murderer)
Luther throws the murderers mask away. (clever)
“You can’t do it without this!” (duh)
Luther leads the children out like the Pied Piper.

Shenck Bespectacled Boss & Luther:
Shenck to Luther;
“Oh, yes, you did outstanding work”!
“Yes, so did you, the corner of the mouth huh?”
“Yes, a lie I’ve been telling since 1999!”(Yes we guessed that)

Luther comes to meet the Beautiful Caroline:
(Why Luther is doing her favours in the first place is not clear)

Luther finally returns home to his Council flat:
“Busy day?”
(In Luther’s flat of course, my mate was right, Luther managed to fit a whole pass key into the apple)
Alice picks up Luther’s gun:
“And there’s only one bullet?”

Alice On The Run:
“They’re Wiley Coyote and i’m the Roadrunner. There’s an entire alphabet to work through;there’s Morocco, Marrakech, Monte Carlo and that’s just the M’s”..
“We’re Yin & Yang, Bonnie & Clyde..come with me, just with me”..
(She talks to him like she’s the snake in Jungle Book)

“You have to leave, I know you want to, you have a tell tale heart”.( Alice holds her hand over Luther’s chest)
“Have you ever eaten Fungi from a puffer fish? It’s fatal if not digested properly, delicious!” (she licks her lips)

Alice kisses Luther several times (lingeringly on the cheek) and walks away.
Luther sighs deeply and looks sad.
(thought they might, but phew they didn’t, too cringe worthy for words)

Luther goes to get Jennifer (from evil Caroline her Mother) i knew he would:
“Come on!” (from the ground outside, Jennifer looking down forlorn from her window)
“John!” (He says to himself)
(Don’t tell me she finds the gun, hope not)

Ending Song:
Joan The Policewoman sings (ha ha)
“Show me lover, all the things you see, all the apples you find”!
(another odd song)

all a bit incomprehensible
decidedly daft
gloriously silly

One reviewer said Luther was “incredible”. Which is a good word, nicely describing the ludicrous unbelievable plots, storyline and dialogue. Still we don’t care we love Luther. It just requires a temporary suspension of belief whilst watching it.

Plus it’s in London for a change. Yey. Cue lovely old derelict warehouses and impossibly chic Riverside Warehouse flats of a million odd quid. With flowers inside. That Paul McGann lives in. Then there’s the rare and unusual sight of the inside of an old 70’s decorated London Council flat. In the tallest tower block. (Doesn’t Luther get paid much?)

Amidst it’s fellow elephantine twinkling towers in the depths of the dark city night..

And:not one obligatory sighting of the Gherkin building to be seen. Hallelujah.

nb. Whatever happened to Luther’s original boss? The rude and straight talking over done Cockney accented Saskia Reeves. She was cool..

New:Wallander:The Cellist: last Week BBC4 aired 18th June 2011

Saturday Night

Wallander was brilliant. Loved how it morphed into film Noir and Art House Cinema at the end with Kurt and the Bad Guy in the church.

When Kurt out Priests a Priest and talks the Leb guy into submissive surrender. With Wallander’s lovely lilting spoken English. In the subterranean seeming strange lit grove of the Church. Cave like in appearance. Silent and dark. With burn orange background, stone walls and candles flickering on an unseen altar.

Kurt is Priest and old wise cowboy and cool Chandleresque Detective rolled into one in that scene. Spahetti Western style in his white pale set face trilby hat and long cloak of black, bad Leb said little and moved slowly, silently. Persuaded by Kurt’s spiel. Softly spoken he walks over and sits quietly, obedient and submitted.

Kurt is a genius. He showed the Priest he could do that whole wise words thing to a tee. Without the flowing long black robes, fervent eyes of pale blue and rakish white beard. Just calm and cool and collected Kurt had sat and talked. Much like a snake with head so still, distracting and enticing, a gentle head shift from side to side for the snake. A silken smile from Kurt in it’s place. Before Kurt’s metaphorical tongue flicks out and strikes his prey.


Funny Dialogue from Wallander;

nb. Does Pontus have Shaft on his mobile ringtone?

Beautiful Lady Prosecutor Katrina asks Kurt:

“How many records do you have?”



(She looks round, amused)

Elderly Instrument Repairer to Kurt:

“So you’re one of those?”

(a music lover)

Wallander describes the methods of the Russian mafia:

“No luggage, scorched earth technique, burn and scorch everything so the enemy doesn’t get it”.

nb. Cello music plays throughout since it’s about a Cellist)

Katrina corrects the dishy Jens (“Oh, Jens!”)

regarding his pronunciation of Kurt’s name:

“It’s Vallander”

Jens and Kurt get existential:


“We must get to the bottom of this”!


“There is no bottom only an endless black hole”!

Jens repeats carefully in English:

“bottom” emphasising the “om” at the end (this is very funny)

At one point we think “Uh Oh, the old baby in the buggy trick” when a woman puts something under Wallander’s car. We spend the next few scenes worrying that Kurt will go sky high. The plot builds on this dramatic tension by getting Wallander to forget something just as he’s getting into his car. Like last week’s episode when they showed us Nyberg wandering into a Church full of gun-toting baddies late at night. Not showing us he was alive until the next day.

Orthodox Greek Priest to Wallander:

“The Church is is a sanctuary for the soul even for those who have chosen to defy him”..(eg you Wallander)

Wallander ties him up in theological argument: (so obtuse i didn’t quite get it)

“So your God wouldn’t even let you say you hadn’t seen someone?”!

subtitles for sound:

(sweet cello music plays throughout)

cello music plays urgently a lot.

Wallander’s advice on handling a gun to Katrina:

“Hold it firmly with two hands and aim to miss”!

Wallander to various baddies involved:

“Irina won’t be playing at your funeral”.

more subtitles for sound:

(knocking echoes loudly)

(Allegro Impassionata plays)

Katrina to Kurt:

“I watched you during the concert, she (beautiful Irina the Cellist) made you smile?”

“I’m a bit jealous maybe”


Ending Song:

“Quiet night, talk becomes a whisper.

Not a word you say could ever hurt me.

Screaming streets are quiet now.

They are sleeping like we’re about to.

You say it’s worth it, all the trouble and the worry.

I say it’s worth it, all the bad dreams…”


New:Watching now or rather not really watching:Hawaii Five O the new one:Musings on Mawkishness in Dramas and Aural Candy Floss:Thursday 23 June 2011

The New Hawaii Five O is really rubbish. Beautiful to look at for sure. They committed near sacrilege by messing with the Intro. The extended prologue that these days can go on for a good twenty minutes. You know, when the opening credits are still popping up artfully yet oddly on the screen, getting on half an hour in. It does seem an strangely truncating thing to do to a Drama.

However Hawaii Five O is forgiven for still incorporating the original theme tune. Eventually. After the prerequisite soppy whiny Indie guitar music and if you’re really unlucky, singing. Since when was it decided as making any kind of sense to break into stringy backed plaintive singing in Dramas these days? To denote the extremely tiresome emotional and or meaningful moment.

An aural interference that hangs asynchronously in a spoken Drama. Didn’t know ghostly singing had any logical meaning in a Drama beyond actually being part of it like in a musical? It is annoying and meaningless.

Detracting rather than adding to any emotional resonance if i must use such words. Leave some gaps, not every small pause has to be filled in with useful activity for the viewer i propose.

When you watch something without this stuffing of candy floss into every available space it is a wonder to behold. Your ears and your brain get a rest. The imagination fills in the gaps and as Hitchcock said, that is where the real horror occurs. That’s why he always left that gap. It was up to us to imagine the worst..

Dear programme makers:
Stop forcing us figuratively to have emotions about it because it’s mostly mawkish maudlin mush anyway. If we feel it we will and no amount of unseen violins or ultra cool Cello or God awful whining to Indie guitar music will make it happen.

The reason i looked in upon Hawaii Five O tonight is because i read that Sean Coombs, P Diddy was going to be in it and he was really good. Anyway, i had to make sure Sean came out of it alright, phew he did.

Sean was an extra cool undercover agent on a mission of vengeance and evasion the usual thing. What do you know within the first five minutes they make the poor guy go topless already and force him into bed with his wife. They are far too happy. You know that this isn’t going to end well. Sure enough, Sean’s oh so beautiful and rightly rather worried abut his line of work wife gets blattted.

Still Sean makes it ok in spite of being shot several times. Until he puts a Vest on.
I checked in on the end and all was well plus the whole cast i mean the characters asked him the very same question i was thinking. Why not come and join Hawaii Five O Sean? They really need you as an actor.

You are more lively and cool than the rest of them put together. I swear they are really other worldly beings beamed in from the planet beautiful. Yet that’s all they do, be beautiful.

Of course Sean is beautiful too with shining cheekbones that go on forever. He does smart casual to a consummate tee. When Sean sits down on the sand there is a bit of a thud. He is a big guy. In his lovely white slacks, just as his family are getting popped. Literally small pops of silencer go off. Oh Dear, too late. Although his son is hiding in the eponymous cupboard…

Yes, please stay Sean, Hawaii Five O needs you.

New:Made in Chelsea Part Five: Story So Far:The Four Lusketeers& The Tale Of Agnes

sOMG-So Much To Write & So Little Time..
New Episode Tonight & the proverbial is going to hit the fan..
This is because someone is going to tell on the dastardly deeds of the devilish fencing duo Francis & Frederick

Francis Boules or it might be De Boules:
Francis being he main protagonist in this tale:The Four Lusketeers comprising Francis, Frederick, Hugo & Spencer.

Francis: do not be Swayed by his Babyish Face:

Previously described by me as a baby faced serial killer look alike. Fits the character type in reality shows of the baby-faced guy who cannot get or keep women. No matter how hard he tries and boy does Francis try. Rather endearingly he snakes and swishes through the suspiciously (in retrospect) empty pavements of night time London on a skateboard. For a date. Carrying a red rose in his teeth. He enters the restaurant, smoothly at first, his fair maiden waiting expectantly and then watching. Guess he hits a bump or something because he then falls flat on his face. All the time wearing, rather sweetly, a pair or red converse trainers.

The Lusketeers Gather to Plot over the Fair Maiden Agnes:
However this is not enough to redeem him from the charge of being seriously creepy in his attitude towards his intern the extremely beautiful and clever Agnes. Whom he seems to consider as some kind of prize pony that he now owns.
Already he has leered over her innocently posed photo with him on his mobile and shown it to Frederick the Viking look alike down at the pony club. Sorry, i mean the Polo Club.

The Devilish duo Francis & Frederick play Manly Polo:
Whilst they apparently impressively played polo, cue clip clop clip clop noises, The Ride Of the Valkeryies played in the background. Most amusing. Even more remarkable however was the sight of these horses walking in the background next to the guys. The horses appeared to be miniature, about the size of Shetland ponies. Maybe it’s me, but i found that hilarious..

Further dark plotting ensues: The two Lusketeers Spencer & Hugo are introduced:

Yes, Francis and Frederick discuss Agnes’s “assets” including exact height, hair colour & looks. Francis boasting of all these wonders like he has a brand new pedigree pony out back. Elsewhere, cut in with this scene we see Spencer and Hugo also lasciviously discussing:

” Francis’s “new intern” and her wonderful assets”.

Yeah right. Our suspicions are confirmed when Spencer chortles away like a dog greeting some new dog food and points and waves his racket around in the region of Hugo’s chest. Gosh. Hilarious. They seem to be about 12 and that’s an overestimation.

Murky Machinations Make Murky Assignations:

We then see Spencer and Hugo phone up Francis to ask him if he can “get Agnes to be Croupier” for a poker night. So they can all ogle her all night. This scheme is agreed and jointly or should i say quadruply we see two scenes inter cut showing the four men slavering away and chortling to each other at this delightful prospect.

Mise en scene:at the Poker Night:Fair Agnes is Outnumbered:

This scene arrives and we see beautiful clever and classy Agnes, sitting alone in a private room surrounded by these four men. Hugo, Spencer, Frederick and Francis. All sniggering to each other to the side like snarky schoolboys. That scene gave me the creeps somewhat. I started to get shades of that film with Jodie Foster
where she gets gang raped in the back room of a bar.

The Fair Maiden is alone: no Handmaidens in sight nor be there Knights:

Had Agnes known that there was no other women there, that it was a private room, just men with nobody else in sight? I reminded myself that this was a Drama and there were cameramen right there. Good. I wouldn’t put it past those guys. They all certainly seemed to treat & indeed talk about Agnes like she was some kind of Courtesan.

This story has a happy ending since in the very latest episode nasty ego-maniacal Francis Boules who has actually boasted of his family’s pedigree:

“Going back to the French Knights and how i believe in Chivalry, somebody has to keep it alive”

finally gets his comeuppance for his dastardly and unconscionable behaviour toward fair and beuatiful and clever as clogs Agnes….

to be continued

New:Review of Luther-2nd Series Episode 1 BBC1 aired on June 18th June 2011 UK

I must correct the name of the flame haired psychopath who i called Ruth in my previous review. Ruth Wilson is the name of the actress, her character is Alice in Luther.

Is Luther Serious?
Luther is great fun. The general consensus in reviews i have read is that it’s not meant to be entirely serious. I dunno, it certainly is daft, but i think it’s meant to be serious. Or at least taking itself seriously. Perhaps with a tiny touch of tongue-in-cheek? Who knows? Dafter shows than this have taken themselves seriously and so have the critics.

Maybe i am offended on behalf on lovely Londoner Idris Elba. Sporting a quite outrageous red silk tie for a Copper. To go with his lovely tweed jacket. Not sure if it has elbow patches. I hope not. I probably can’t see up that high to check. Although Luther could of course carry off elbow patches be they leather and even, dreadful thought, corduroy ones.

Well i always seem to miss the first few minutes and the last few of something. Even when i am waiting for it to be on. Such is Murphy’s Law. Hence i missed the last few minutes “shocker” referred to in the reviews completely. Only spotting the closing credits with an odd sequence of Luther panting amidst a syrupy sea of red background. Not Luther surely? They need him for the next three parts..

Opening sequence:
Also the opening sequence:i just caught Luther with his shirt off in his unexplained bare to the bone Council flat. The he picks up his gun and puts it to his head. I thought he was joking i don’t know why. Just some slightly odd games he plays with his empty gun. But no, he really was playing Russian Roulette, the critics say. Well i realised he was a bit down but not That down..

This jars a bit with Luther’s cheerful demeanour the rest of the time and well turned out look and lack of empty bottles, dried pizza, and other classic TV signs of depression. Suicidal people don’t usually accessorise beautifully with a silk red tie, embossed with faint paisley and tied to perfection with a dip in the middle and loosened ever so slightly for the rakish touch.

Nor do suicidal people have pristine shirts i do propose. Where was Luther’s ironing board? However i did spot a sparkling cafetiere pot for one on the counter with freshly made coffee in it. A fairly optimistic thing to have done, made ground coffee, before the Russian Roulette game..

Topless cops:
Well they do make men cops take their shirts off dont’t they? Stabler from Special Victims Unit with his tattoos (ex-Marine of course). The regular locker dis-robe. Lately Isaac of The Chicago Code.

Lester Freeman -a terrible digression:
Then there was The Wire and Lester Freeman. Whilst wondering if black actors get more of this sexist treatment than white actors i would propose Lester Freeman to have been particularly afflicted.

Lester Freeman being one of my favourite characters along with Major Colvin and Stringer Bell i couldn’t help but notice that Lester did not get to keep his shirt on much. Terminally distracting as a device since The Wire required 110% attention to every line of dialogue and detail.

Since time seemed to stand still indeed some kind of swift time warp ensued. In which my tea could well have fallen from my hands and i could have sustained three degree burns for all i knew. I counted myself as very lucky that said teacup was still indeed attached to my fingers when reality returned.

Although the cup’s passage to my lips had been halted temporarily in mid space and hung there freeze framed until the time warp shifted and noise, sound and action returned.

Oh dear, i do digress, i’m supposed to be writing about Luther. You see what a distraction Lester Freeman was now?

Well, what was in the apple that Luther threw over the Asylum wall that Alice was so handily walking in the grounds so that she could pick it up? My first thought was a razor blade. Only because Alice had mentioned her unsuccessful attempts at suicide. Quite how someone in such a place has access to sharp objects was not explained.

Also, this is entirely out of character for hard as nails Alice who very much looks out for number one. Possibly a sympathy play for Luther’s benefit. Alice is in love with Luther you see.

I felt that Luther was offering her the release that Alice had claimed she wished for. A sign that he does think she’s such an evil individual she would be no great loss and all that. Which means he’s been playing her all along. Although you could hardly say he encouraged her amorous feelings towards him. He has always remained aloof and impassive in demeanour when with her.

However Luther does seem to like Alice in some way or at least value her psychotic advice. Otherwise why hang out with her chatting about cases and the meaning of Art and Life? Oh, i forgot, Luther is a genius Detective. No seriously,it’s a new twist. Alice also, in spite of her murderous side is exceedingly clever. Insanely clever one might say.

This is it. Clearly, Luther likes to hang out with Alice since she too, is a fellow genius! I seem to remember Alice was a child prodigy or something. Before she dispatched her family. The dear classic English terribly clever dotty scientists who lived in the country with their lovely Labrador dog.

Yes, someone who can kill even a dog and a nice Labrador Doggie to boot must be really really bad..

Although i have quipped about Luther’s need for a faster car so as he might get to the scene of the crime before it becomes one. I do believe it would be terribly boring if he did turn up in some eponymous wheeled beast.

A BMW being too cliche for a black Londoner. Suv:unthinkable. Ditto Jeep. Audi too flashy for Luther. SAAB:possibly? However how about an old M.G Luther?, racing green, a bit battered if you must. Ok . I have it, an old school Citroen a’ la 1920’s, all curves..

Ok Luther the show, but never the Detective, is exceedingly daft. However still great fun as long as i can hide my eyes in time from the gore.

Next Episode: We find out exactly what was in that apple that Luther threw over the walls. Is my mate right and it was a pass key somehow embedded in it’s entirety inside a half eaten apple?….

Daft Dialogue from Episode One:

Luther:”Morning all”!
A British Detective in-joke since the first ever i think Police Show was called Dixon of Dock Green in which the Policeman would say “morning all” gruffly.

The Murderer:
“He is the sunrise, he loves everyone!”

Luther sees Alice in Hospital (The Asylum):
Alice on being told by Luther that he is leaving the “Force”:

“Good because the people around you are vampires, they will suck you dry your veins dry and then suck out your bone marrow”!

( Wouldn’t Vampires prefer arteries?)

“I’ve gotta go, madmen to catch”..
“Need any advice?”
“No, i think I’m up to speed with lunatics”!

Luther finds Caroline (The Girl In Trouble)
“What about the drugs, the Meths? i think you’ve got one, maybe two months before your teeth start falling out”.
(great thing to say:Detectives are great with troubled youngsters aren’t they?)

Murderer to Luther:
“You think because you’ve tasted my blood? This time, this mechanised culture. Kids in Whitechapel” ( it was Mile End, thought so)
“Have you ever heard of Spring Heeled Jack?”

“Are you getting your ideas from Victorian Penny Dreadfuls?”
(Exactly. You see how Luther knows everything?)

subtitles for this scene:
(phone clatters to the floor)

The Girl In Trouble describes how she knows Luther:
“A long time ago, my Dad killed this girl by accident. Then he panicked, cut her up, put her in wheelie bins. Luther got him”.

Luther’s kind of mate his dead ex-wife’s bedraggled boyfriend (Paul McGann) asks:
“And your Dad?”
“Killed himself”.

Blond Art student girl describing the murderer before she knew he was a murderer:
“I suppose he was a freak, a freaky little freak.”

“Did he ever hurt you?”
“No, but he had a look in his eyes like he wanted to”….

End Of Episode One: Contains Spoilers
Kind of lost track of the plot after this point. Another God awful murder of someone in a house. Filmed by the murderer and beamed somehow to the Police Station’s computer screen.

They get a “partial plate”, get there, but it’s too late. Of course. Luther is always late. He needs a faster car. I’m glad i missed the presumably filmed murder bit.