The Only Way Is Essex:16th May 2011

A Loose First Draft of The Only Way Is Essex Story that became a bit rambling..

Boo hoo, no more The Only Way Is Essex on a Sunday, next series is in the ‘fall’ Autumn. Then we will find out how our orange oompa lumpa friends are doing and bask until then in the happy glow of the memory of the Viking Princess look alike Lauren finally throwing off her Stepford wife persona! When she’s not even married yet to the evil and empty Mark only engaged. Yes a one woman revolution finally, very much overdue, as who hasn’t been silently or loudly urging Lauren to get mad and get even?

In an uproarious final scene of the last series Lauren extricates herself from her Mark-imposed seclusion at home where she now spends four hours a day cleaning and broken heartedly declaiming that such work is not her “thing and has ruined her nail polish” Not being an afficinado of nail polish or girly things generally i don’t quite understand however it is clear that Lauren should not be having to do such things.

She is a Viking Princess, seemingly about 6foot tall plus, a blondely beautiful Amazon. Quite clearly descended from an ancient genetic clan of possible Angle-Saxons who after all did land at Essex and also loved ‘bling’ in the form of amazingly intricate gold jewellery and were likewise tall and blond. Lauren in ancient times may well have been a high ranking woman and surely deservedly could be envisioned being carried along on a palanquin..

However since the odious Mark laid ‘claim’ to his beloved and long suffering Lauren by declaring that they were engaged he has kept her locked up at home and mithered on in his old womanly way about an woman’s place blah blah..

Lauren, you will see dear viewers, is only young, twenties at most. Granted it is difficult to tell in this show since all the girls wear loads of make-up a’ la Dallas and wear completely fabulous clothes. It’s Dallas-lite, Dallas without the shoulder ads and any good acting. Well Dallas did have Joan Collins remember..

Already beautiful in their own right and possessing seemingly limitless limbs which stalk along in even higher impossible heels, the women in the Only Way appear to me to be prematurely aged via their creoste orange tans and sumptuously layered make-up.

Ditto the eyelash extensions and hair, many Oh so many layers. I never twig when hair is an extension and just don’t ‘get’ it. I would be mortified to be going around in fake hair, what if it fell off in an inopportune moment? However the combined effect of all this is to make them appear as giant geisha girls, tottering swishingly along and blinking like incredible exotic far away moths.

It seems amazing that they manage to walk around and carry on their normal lives so attired. Yet they do, living laughing & loving, ok coca cola moment there what i meant was working, gossiping, appearing in clubs in outfits fit for a Queen and floating around on sunlight.

Believe me, Lydia for just one example, is so incandescent in her beauty and so light of feet she appears to be a wondrous Fairy that fell to the earth and grew. She, like some Empress ancestor from Nordic lands long ago, most certainly walks in sunshine. Birds practically appear around and sing silently like in a Disney movie..

Challenging each other in verbal contretemps over their ever useless lumps of boyfriends. The attacked girl, in her lair (at work) however, sorely hurt rises above the offensive and bravely goes to the challengers house (in the land of the sun and the flowers, Lydia and her equally long golden locked mum forever sit in Elysian gardens sipping tea like they’re in fairy tale.

Lydia’s Mum is like the ruler of the land, she could have lead brave men into battle. She has resisted the taboo of the older woman with long hair, her hair is as long as Rapunzel’s in the tower. Unpredictably, the wronged one, Amy and her challenger, Lydia realise the man, Arge, is to blame and spreading scurrilous rumours about the virtue of fair Amy. The sylphan ethereal Lydia believes, her and all is resolved in the council of the wise women.

Lydia’s mum clucks and tuts & cackles dispensing ancient advice and encourages fair broken hearted Lydia to phone the cowboy denim clad apparition that appeared out of nowhere and bumped into her on the road. (Certain scenes are set up for our ‘entertainment’) He is a male model but a real nice guy.

Lydia gets away from her boyfriend the creep. Amy challenges Lydia’s ex evil one at the pool party and he splutters away like the wound up clockwork buffoon that he is.

Girls gang together, Amy she rejects him as her friend. He has indeed been boasting about his prowess over her to dear Lydia and inviting her to tennis at Mark’s behest purely to gawp at her ample bosoms with them both laughing about it. Indeed many or all of the vacuous Mark’s events are organised with the prime aim, as chucklingly confessed to his beloved Arge, of surrounding themselves with near naked women.

The men all being equally handsome indeed blindingly gorgeous. Some of them are barely distinguishable form each other in their very handsomeness. This same rule applies for the women and is divided between the blondes and the brunettes. It being easier to tell the blonde and brunette men or women from each other. However quite hard to keep track on the names and different girls and guys who are equally brunette or blonde together…